Sad News on the Home Front

March 11, 2012

Dear St. Paul's Family,

This morning, during the Sunday worship service, I read the following statement regarding some sad developments in our family. Thank you for your support and prayer during this difficult time.

Statement to the Congregation

It is with a heavy heart and great sadness that I share with you a significant development in my personal life and family.

Nearly five years ago, my family arrived in Cherokee to start a new chapter of our life together. Jessica was beginning her exciting new career as the Assistant Professor of Religion at Morningside College, and I had received the privileged assignment of serving as your new pastor. We had exchanged the bustle of big city life in Florida for a quieter, more intimate community life in Iowa. Though the first several months of our transition came with sizable adjustment, we steadily became acclimated to our new surroundings, and established relationships with many wonderful people.

However, over time, our marriage underwent significant strains, stemming from what I can best describe as growing differences in our perspectives, our values, and our priorities. Despite my best efforts, she has not always felt that I have been supportive of her career and of her driving passions as a professor. Likewise, I have not always seen our relationship as an equal partnership, falling short of my ideal definitions of both a healthy marriage and healthy parenting. These divergent values and priorities led to regrettable actions and numerous instances in which we felt severely hurt by the other person.

Without divulging the full details of our problems, I want to assure you that any part that I have played in the fracturing of my marriage is no way immoral, irresponsible, inappropriate, or illegal. It may be easy to jump to those conclusions given our scandal-addicted, tabloid culture, but I can promise you that I have done nothing to compromise my responsibility as a moral and spiritual authority for this congregation.

At first, Jessica and I worked at repairing the marriage, seeing a therapist regularly for about twelve months, as well as spending time together as a family during my summer renewal leave. Despite my hopes that these would remedy the broken trust, things continue to stagnate, and even worsen, over time.

So, three weeks ago, on Friday, February 17, Jessica told me that she had found a place to live in Sioux City, a move that she had been contemplating for several months. It was her intention to leave the girls with me, here in Cherokee, for the foreseeable future, in the hopes of arranging a visitation plan that would involve the girls staying in school here and staying with her on many, if not most, weekends. Last Saturday, she moved out of our home, thus beginning our separation.

I will admit to you a great deal of sadness, as well as bewilderment, at these developments. Family has always been, and continues to be, the highest priority in my life, and it is hard not to feel profoundly disappointed in my inability to keep this family together. I have no idea what the future holds for me and the girls, but I have finally come to realize that some things need to die in order to be resurrected. That is a belief that will hopefully sustain me during a Lenten season that is anchored on that very conviction.

I do ask that you assist me in ensuring that the two persons least responsible for this separation - our two daughters, Grace and Madelyn - continue to grow and mature in as normal environment as possible. Indeed, they will need to make difficult adjustments to these new living arrangements, and Jessica and I are committed to making sure that they are loved, supported, and nurtured. I ask you to join us in that effort, treating them as you would any other child, rather than children of a high-profile separation. No one their age wants to stick out from the crowd for all the wrong reasons. They are much too special to be deprived of the opportunity to stand out for who they are: amazingly gifted, intelligent, and beautiful young women with an immeasurably bright future. The girls are this morning with their mother in Sioux City, in order to relieve them of experiencing the burden of hearing this public announcement. Yet, on forthcoming Sunday mornings, both the girls, and perhaps Jessica, will continue to be a visible presence in this congregation for morning worship.

I know that for many of you, this is not surprising news. Since we shared these developments with the girls three weeks ago yesterday, we gave them full freedom to share their thoughts and feelings with any teachers or friends they wished to tell. As a result, word of our separation has been circulating in this community for weeks, leaving many of you to wonder what was fact and what was rumor. I regret the confusion that these swirling rumors may have caused you. I hope you'll understand the reasons for the timing of my announcement today. I wanted to wait until after Jessica actually moved out, which she did eight days ago. I also wanted to refrain from clouding our already emotional first worship service here in the Community Center following the fire. But most importantly, before I made this news public, I wanted to speak to my parents in person, which I did last Tuesday in Florida.

I also hope that you will understand, moving forward, that my primary priority as your pastor will continue to be as it has always been: as a father to these two girls. I will carry out my duties to this church with the same kind of faithfulness, compassion, and joy that has marked my first five years here. But now that you are aware of what has happened on the home front, I trust that you will have a deeper awareness of the fullness of my heart which I bring to this task. Nevertheless, I am as committed as ever to serving as your pastor.

Finally, I want to express to you a word of gratitude. These last two years have been incredibly draining on my spirit and my heart. There have been days when the pain has been nearly unbearable. But two things have continued to sustain me. The first is my two girls. The second are all of you. In those times when living here in this situation has felt too dark and dreary to move on, I have always - always - been uplifted by being with you on Sunday mornings. You all have no idea the degree to which you have ministered to me, week after week. When everything else has seemed to be going wrong in my life, being with you in worship has strengthened my spirit and reminded me of why I am called to do what I do, and why I am called to be here. Your response to my pastoral leadership, the amazing ways that you are working to fulfill our mission together, and even your laughter at my feeble attempts at humor, have given me infinite encouragement. Whenever the suffering has seemed inconceivable, being with my girls - and being with you - has made all the sense in the world.

I am trusting in that same spirit of unity and love in Christ to be the one center that will hold amidst the swirl of my professional and personal life. As we recover from the fire and work to rebuild the campus together, I will turn to God - and to this church family that I love very much - for the same kind of rock solid support that has sustained me throughout these years. Now, more than ever, I feel privileged to be your pastor. And I look forward to experiencing resurrection with you.

Grace and Peace,

Magrey

The Rev. Magrey R. deVega
St. Paul's United Methodist Church
531 W. Main St.
Cherokee, IA 51012
Ph: 712-225-3955
Email: mdevega@sp-umc.org